So today I went to a munch which is basically a mixer for kinky people and I found this event on fet life. It is called the ‘Afterwork munch’ in Camden. It was in this place called Bronze age bar in Camden market and I took a friend of mine and we went together and initially we get lost because we went to the same bar which was in Kilburn but we couldn’t find the table so how these events work in most places is that they just have like a recognition thing on the table which is booked for this particular event. So you just have to recognise the table and go and meet the host. We got pretty late because we were obviously roaming around and went to take the wrong bar and everything and once we got the correct place, we found the table for the teddy bear as it was mentioned in the post that they would be one and introduced ourselves and sat at the table. My friend immediately mentioned that he did not like the vibe and if I wanted to leave, we could just immediately leave but I insisted that we stay because I had had actually wanted to do some research and we had come this far and so he said okay and then we just took a seat we just went to get a drink at the bar and he just asked me if I really actually just wanted to be there and I said that I do want to do this research because I feel like I should dive into it without thinking too much and yeah because this is definitely a new territory for me as a person as well, because I’ve never been to one of these events before we noticed that most of the people that the gene age of the people in the group was over 30-35 and they were mostly male and there was a female host and another female and that and then there was me and that was it, the people I had interacted with were three men who presumably Asian and two other white men or just white males in general who were considerably older than the Asian men and they seem to have a normal life but it was a pretty uncomfortable situation. So I did not really want to go ahead and discuss or talk to them more, but it was weird to have like two people who are in their 20s, and everyone else was probably middle-aged. A few people introduced themselves in the group to a few people who are sitting around me and the presumably looked Asian, South Asian specifically and the names were also very South Asian and they just kinda like really leaning in and once I started talking they were like “what is your story?” and then when I mentioned that I do research in kink shaming and my friend tried to back me up by saying that, ‘When she says research, she definitely means research only’, I think that was his way of like protecting me, or like giving them a hint that I am not here for anything else other than the research which I was, I was definitely looking forward to this event until I got there, but it was also a little weird because only this man even though I was like fully dressed in my coat and my pants and everything I practically felt them undressing me just with that eye contact and there was a table distance in between us, but I don’t think that really made any difference to have they looked at me and also when I mentioned that I do research in kink shaming especially as a 20 year old student who is also Indian or South Asian and is accompanied by a man. This is my general feeling and how I felt throughout this interaction of the community of like 20 minutes. It was probably one of my weirdest interactions with humans and I think having a certain expectation of it being very open and welcoming certainly let me down a lot more than I thought it would, but I am anyways glad that I took this step and I went out of my comfort zone to actually go to and try to meet someone in real-life but when I did mention my research a little I don’t think that really intrigued them because it was not really worth that time or maybe they did not feel comfortable talking about it or maybe I did not have the right questions in a proper manner or approach.
I would think of approaching the community in a better way but I definitely think this is a turning point in how to be doing my primary research because showing up to random events and expecting people to open up may not really help in terms of feasibility and also in terms of my safety and well-being, which is definitely a priority but I think I go ahead and collaborate with the establish networks like psychologist, psychiatrist or intimacy, coach and wellness coaches who have some experience in this field and might be willing to help me out in a safe and ethical manner for both myself and also the client or stakeholder.
Well, if we look at this from a pretty personal perspective rather than research perspective, I really don’t think I would have gone to this event because I did have presumption that people are going to be weird and it also just does not come from nowhere. It comes from just personal experience with how people react to women being like they openly kinky. And also it’s also mention that they do research like academic research into this particular topic and I also don’t think a lot if women show up to these kind of events not that it’s just women who get shame but also men do but to a certain level. I don’t think I can argue with male privilege and the patriarchal system which is inbuilt in Asian society, because I think that then definitely to have a privilege to explore and be more open about the sexuality that women do.
