How can we create kink exploratory spaces using products/gear?
20/7
Today, I did the 2nd workshop, and we talked about communication, everyone could not make it( 1 repeater and 1new), which was interesting to see.
In the first activity of the crossword puzzle: they were able to guess 13/15 as a pair, as I had screenshared and filled it out. They were unable to guess ‘Hard No’ and ‘Abuse’, which shows a lack of recognition and knowledge about the extreme limits and violations.
In the second activity of charades: various kinks were demonstrated by myself and the participants and it was easily identifiable which shows a little knowledge about non-verbal communication and representing things which they like and know.
In the third activity of mind-mapping based off the mind-map I had developed in the previous entry, it was interesting to see how different conversations came up about beliefs and values in partners and oneself, and also about personal experiences with violation of personal spaces and boundaries in regular life in and out of kink, which also led to conversations around hoping men would communicate more and be more open, and how emotionally supportive and intellectually challenging conversations are required to be able to engage with their partners. A discussion into comparisons of sex-education in each other’s lives also arose which was also interesting to see, and also having male partners to open up and speak more about what they like and dislike and how it could also be due to cultural differences. When it came to their individual roles, one participant mentioned they don’t like labels and that it is restricting and another mentioned their role depends on their partner’s mood and what they wanna do in that moment.
In terms of boundaries, highly organised planning and protocols in negotiations whilst being safe and knowing what is going to happen is effective, and having scenes with relatively less organised planning can lead to crossing off limits and boundaries, and also communicating on the go about hard and soft limits makes it harder. ‘Would you like to try?’ And respecting the limit when it’s been crossed is also important and not pursuing it because they don’t like it is also important, and as much as curiosity is important, finding the limit and not crossing or manipulating it is also important. Finding the balance between organised and spontaneity is also important
Irrespective of role, aftercare is vital for everyone since it helps with emotional reset and discussing whether someone would repeat it or not is also important!
In the last activity of role-play: One person identified as submissive, and the other identified as a switch and they switched roles talked about negotiation, safe words, boundaries, aftercare based off their own individual mind-maps but in a different role in order to gain a different perspective. The other added what they would like to add to the existing one and said they would like to talk about in-depth about their limits, non-verbal cues, aftercare, limits in flexibility, feedback, and I also suggested about having things required in-hand to avoid stress and panic, which led to the conversation about sex in a scene, and STD/I as well as protection and other existing partners as well to be aware of the risks they are getting into, which led into the topic of expectations about the scene and what happens later and checking in to see how each other is doing and feeling about the dynamic over time is also important to ensure everyone is on the same page emotionally. I also added I would talk about how they’d interact in social settings and navigate it, and whether it would be social or in a playful context.
The participants mentioned that they felt this was a particular informative session and they all learned a lot!
When asked about what they would like to talk about next, one of them mentioned they would like to talk about ‘what to do when things go wrong?’ And I personally wanted to add predatory behaviour in this, and also about support systems and people, as well as one participant during the conversation had mentioned that they experience mood drops with a lack of aftercare, so how to navigate mood drops as a sub and Dom, and developing activities and examples to see and navigate the same!
I would say the only limitation in this session was it was all-female which allowed for transparent communication but it also lacked the other perspective of what men go through or how they feel and I say this because through my research I have also learnt that biological gender does affect our basic skills of communication, and I acknowledge that all relationships/dynamics do not have to male-female or no one has to conform to being a man/woman and are free to identify otherwise. I particularly felt like men could’ve benefitted from hearing the women’s perspective on things and how they communicate, and vice-versa, and help us in understanding how men feel and what they think at the back of their heads while communicating and understanding what they say, hesitate to say or don’t say, or even reason as to why they say what they say or do what they do, and it would have been of mutual benefit! I also regret not recording the session to be able to do thematic analysis as I had hoped, but no point in sulking right now, is there? I am also thinking if I could one with the rest of the people, since the rest are mostly men, and maybe merge the data and observations from the both, to contribute to a better next workshop! I could text them and see if that is possible!?
30/7
After this intervention, I particularly felt exhausted and was unable to work, and during our recent tutorial I was encouraged to push myself further and enhance my role, but to do so I have to define what a safe space is, and this has been a bit of a brain-number, in finding resources in the right places and so on. Recently as I was talking to a friend about my confusions and chaos, they pointed out to me that I’m trying to solve the entire problem at once rather than taking steps to solve it slowly, this quite resonated with me, but I would still like to go ahead and do the workshops and find out my learnings from them!
While going back and reading my entries and from personal experience I find one interesting aspect, which is financial in nature which is that places/events where there is an entry fee feels relatively “safer” as compared to places which are walk-in, and one thing I have noticed is that places I have been to which have an entry fee, have a trained ‘safeguarding’ team who’re present at the events and make sure everything is going smoothly, and there’s also the aspect that the crowd of people who’re willing to pay money to an event are actively exploring and educated about the scene and hence know the “safe” spaces, so is this something which is a matter of money or about having trained professionals working on safeguarding and keeping an eye out, and how does this affect people’s behaviour, and in terms of accessories, toys and other wear the prices are relatively quite high if one is looking for good quality gear and clothes, and this is also a bit of a concern for me, but this definitely feels like something I could incorporate, but is having accessible gear and clothes the way to enable exploration, it could be one way but also having knowledge about responsibly using it is just as important, but at this point I am thinking too much in my head rather than talking to people!
31/7
Looking at kink clubs or various spaces which are developed for different needs, example places which strive to maintain a balance between male,female and non-binary to ensure a safe space for everyone, places which promote couples to explore etc., and so on although they are principally the same, there is a difference in the audience of these spaces which come from their own personal experiences and needs. Here, this got me thinking that one common thing I see at most events, be it a social (paid or unpaid) is that there’s not a lot of people who’re of different ethnic backgrounds, and this could be a point I could explore a bit more!
I was able to talk to an alumnus and expert stakeholder, who has worked in safe-space making and this has given me useful insight into what my challenges are, and how I can navigate them in the existing scenario, and I would have to really iterate my question in safe-spaces to something a bit more specific and to different groups of people and communities, like for instance, I had noticed that not a lot of POC visit kink clubs, and this could be something to work on and implement, and probably using the existing skill set of leather subculture design to promote a sense of safety and exploration, and so on and definitely mind mapping these various possibilities could open up new ideas and avenues for reiteration and exploration!
2/8
After this conversation with an expert, I was feeling a bit more confident and decided to map out all my thoughts to have a better direction, and envisioned some key aspects to consider, which is using products/gear as an exploration tool, and so the various issues, I could find from my experience were the price range, accessibility, lack of wider inclusion, customisability, and also the fact that even if one owns fetish wear like harnesses, they can not wear them openly in public without facing challenging comments, but I would like to do this to observe the general reaction of people, even though it is out of my comfort zone, but it’d help to get reactions of people!
Based off this mind-map I could say there’s a lot of scope in exploring how gear and clothes can be used as tool for creating exploratory spaces, and this would mean re-iterating the question to be more specific and for this I used the QFT (Question Formation Technique) to reform and rephrase my question!
In other steps, I am also hoping to contact mfg. units in the UK to understand any problems in accessibility and other problems, and on the side communicate with consumers and stakeholders to see whether they’d like to have more accessible gear, and what is the problem and the gap between manufacturer and consumer, and how can I combine this with the workshops to create better spaces!
7/8
Today, I was hoping to wear a harness in public without covering up, to observe the reactions of people, but based off the political situation in the UK, due to the far-right riots, it does not seem like a good idea, to do this especially as a female immigrant traveling across London alone, the political scenario did not give me much confidence, and so I did not go to the social, and decided to stay safe and be home, but the organisers were aware to send mails about the riots happening in East London and forward the tickets to the next social if one feels unsafe attending it, which shows compassion towards the attendees and offering a solution to those who aren’t attending it!
In other measures I have been trying to reach out to manufacturing units in the UK to understand kink-diversity and inclusion as well as pricing and sustainability policies, and in the meantime I am also going to start and define ‘exploratory spaces’ and how using garments and gear can further exploration, I was focused on the ‘safe-space’ part of my question, whereas now I am going to focus on the ‘exploration’ part of the question, which has helped me change my question from safe-space making to creating a space for exploration.
13/8.
I have been reading a book called, ‘Design and Social Imagination’ by Matthew DelSesto where I read about how to create social interventions and change one must be aware of the realities of the world and it’s ecology to the world and so on, right now in particular I have read about Patrick Geddes’s work in transforming spaces, especially in Edinburgh and his design of the Outlook Tower and philosophies which have gone into it, and I think some parts of it can be taken into consideration for developing exploratory spaces in cultural niches, particularly his methods about educating and informing while also providing a space to mingle and experiment and record cultural developments is important, and I think the part about recording our history and it’s developments is important because the kink community as we know has undergone a lot of change and though it is becoming more mainstream, a lot of it is still underground, and one may not be record cultural developments if the venue changes for every event how does one record these cultural nuances, which might not be caught on camera? I think this would be a good time to visit Bishopsgate to learn about how people archived in the realm of kink and fetish!
In other terms, I reached to someone who is interested in something I haven’t seen much products for so I asked them if they’d be interested in talking about it to be able to assess kink-diversity in spaces and products and assess what direction I could go in, and structure my method accordingly, but I should be focusing on contextualising the concept of exploratory spaces and how my interventions informed these.
I have also noticed that club membership vetting process is different for men and women and I wonder why that is, and that is something to explore and reconnect with to look at various differences!
I also feel particularly guilty about not being able to complete my series of workshops, but I should work on that and finish the last one, and complete the series, I am sure there is something I could learn from the same and closure is important for everyone, so I should finish this before I go back to school and then focus on the bigger workshop and see how all of it comes together!