Category: Defining

How can we create safer kink exploratory spaces?

Limitation to be addressed:

A major limitation in this project is that due to the sensitive nature of the project and the questions asked to the participants and experts, I have chosen not to record the interactions with stakeholders and events, and due to the auto ethnographic nature of the research, a lot of events and situations have been considered to be a personal experience, but the analysis, reflections and learnings from these experiences count and inform my research process and thoughts as well.

15/8

Yesterday, I had a tutorial and preparing for the next one, and I am feeling particularly positive about my research, and was advised to embrace the fun and sensual aspect of the project, and am looking forward to the end of unit presentations and I advised to think and find out more about the consumer wants and needs in terms of accessibility, inclusivity and diversity and FetLife is a great platform to meet kinksters with disabilities and ask them about their experiences, and also at events to be able to see the accessibility needs for different needs, and whether they actually work and are in-place!?

Also, maybe do a survey on how people come across new kinks and learn new skills which would be very helpful in learning about what kind of spaces are required/preferred by the community, and see if actually products and gear is the way to go in terms of creating exploratory spaces, and maybe WGSN is a good source for consumer research!

Simultaneously I have to be vigilant about preparing the report and the presentations for end-of-unit assessment.

19/8

Yesterday, I attended a summer play party hosted by a kink club, this gave me a chance to look at EDI in kink spaces and it was my first one so I was both nervous and excited, but I told myself I can go have a good time and with a strict fetish dress code, I had to change in the venue before  entering, and a lot of people got butt naked, which was nice to see people comfortable in their skin, and putting in effort to look and feel good, I myself changed into a top, harness and skirt, which made me feel really sexy and empowering, overtime as I was dancing and moving around and interacting, I was uncomfortable in the velvet skirt because of the heat, and felt confident enough to remove it and be comfortable and free, and I also mingled with some POC, people who’re visiting from various parts of Europe etc., so there was definitely a diverse group of people, but I was unable to spot people with disabilities (physically visible) which is also a bit concerning, but overall there was a pretty good awareness on disability, as someone with epilepsy at a techno club, the lighting was not too bad even in the playroom with strobe lighting it wasn’t too intense to trigger a reaction or even a headache. In terms of products for kink-diversity available in various spaces, definitely not a lot but it was coming from the perspective of hygiene in the space which makes sense, and people bring their own stuff if they have the intention to play, which is good in a way since they would know exactly what they like and want and will be able to implement the same! I was glad to see people of various age groups come in which was sweet and wholesome, and the older people definitely have a more welcoming attitude towards people who’re new to the scene or the city, like me and encourage one to pursue and go ahead which is comforting and reassuring to people who are new! I had also been informed about various POC kink groups to join to be able to meet similar people and understand their experiences, meanwhile I have also created a ‘Kink EDI’ survey which helps to understand exploration, diversity in products/spaces and inclusivity/accessibility.  Kink EDI survey 

From this experience, I would say there is a gap, but there are also spaces which might be more welcoming to POC, which I am yet to explore and I found out about an event called ‘Pinky Promise’ which has workshops, playrooms, dance etc., which sounds like something I was interested in doing but if there’s an event like this what can I do differently or what makes my project different and what concern does this address!

An interesting event was that my phone’s cameras were covered with stickers before entering the space, which was good, but then that means I have no evidence of various things I have seen and done but when I asked why they covered, they said that no matter the precautions some unwanted people are always in the background when they might not wanna be, which shows respect for consent and privacy!

I also found out about Kink Coalition in London which is an organisation in London which works to create ‘kink spaces’ and they could be a potential stakeholder or a key stakeholder in my project!

I am also interviewing one of my tutors, Sasha who also happens to be a coach in wellness space and conducts workshops in kink spaces as well, which could provide some useful insights into how professionals create safe spaces and enable various dialogues and conversations.

21/8

Post interviewing, Sasha, a wellness and conscious kink coach I feel renewed in my project and about the way it’s been shaping and that all contribution towards a positive change counts as change.  I had also reached out to PinkyPromise’s organisers and they are open to collaborations and so I’m going to meet and talk with them next month and explore various possibilities, and also see how Kink Coalition which is legislating ‘kink spaces’ can also collaborate in my project, but also why KV declined an interview also seems to tickle my thought, since they also claim to be a safe space for kink, but off-recently I seem to have seen some ‘not so nice’ posts against them on social media which also makes me wonder what sorta incidents have taken place at KV which has caused them to defend themselves, but a little bit of nosey interrogation into that will shed some light on various power dynamics as well as various other things!

I am today at Bishopsgate Institute, to explore various aspects of my project from a cultural context and see how that helps, and also talking to the staff about my project would help me uncover new insights and new knowledge!

Notes:

-lesbian and Gay men’s experience  of crime and policing: an exploratory study by Carole Truman, Catherine Bewley, Cath Hayes, David Boulton, Dec.1994 

Type of Crime	% of people	% of crime detailed in questionnaire	Males (no. in sample)	Females
Burglary	53	18	51	54
Car Crime	45	15
Assault in Home	19	6	15	25
Assault in pub/club	29	10	33	25
Assault in street	40	14	49	27
Queer bashing	30	10	38	21
Mugging	18	6	23	10
Sexual assault	11	4	9	17
Verbal abuse	12	4

Reasons for dissatisfaction with the police and percentage giving the reason:

They don’t do anything-56

Homophobic comments-47

Unnecessary force used-20

Police did not take crime seriously-60

Police uninformed about HIV/AIDS-20
Reluctant to record a crime-37

Over intrusive-42

Conclusions:

• No evidence  of lesbians and gay men being less likely to report crimes than the public at large
• 25% of respondents feel satisfied with the outcome.
• High levels of reporting crime do not seem to indicate unwillingness on the part of the lesbian and gay community to have contact with the police,
• Do not feel like they are given adequate service by the police.

The response of the criminal justice system to bias crime: an exploratory review, Peter Finn, Taylor McNeil, Oct.7,1987 contract no: OJP-86-002

Law enforcement changes:

-Thin line between what constitutes as harassment and what doesn’t in the eyes of law.

-Workable procedures to inform bias crimes and report them

-Identification of bias crimes, importance of collecting data on bias crimes, why it is not trivial or a mere prank, interviewing minority victims and be sensitive to their special concerns and needs. 

-Participating in community task forces and with community leaders on hate violence. 

Changes in Prosecution:

• having special statutes
• Increasing penalties conveys message that it is a serious offence.
• Strategies to convince judiciary that it is a serious thing.

While these reports maybe 20+ years old and are targeted towards the LGBTQIA+ community most of the problems and observations can be relevant today, and in intersection with the kink community as well, in the geographic location of UK and the US where they’re both based!

Wild side sex by Midori. Isbn 1-881943-22-4

Kinkycrafts: 99 DIY s/m toys for the kinky handy person 0-9739763-7-0

Reference books read to understand products and experiences.

26/8

Today, I am trying to revamp and reorganise my blog and started off with looking for some interesting themes to work with my project, and downloaded an interesting wordpress theme, but it won’t open on myblog, which is annoying, and I can not use any other similar themes from Themify as well for some reason! Now this is annoying and a lot of work, but also why won’t pages edit, or have sub-sections and navigable pages this is annoying Jesus.

27/8

Going back through my blog and restructuring it, I notice that a lot of insights also come from my personal experiences at these places, which I feel like I have not included since I consider them to be personal and that’s what auto ethnographic research is isn’t it? Our personal experiences also inform our research greatly, but to what extent do I mention it and evidence it, and where is the ethical boundary for stakeholders I interact with? These are some questions I have been wondering and if I should include those reflections in the log?

Recently, I have gotten on Feeld, it’s an app for the sexually explorative, and even though it’s very open about most relationship styles and kink-friendly, I think it is particularly over-whelming and lacks the human aspect and is basically a platform for people to find sex, and most people I have across are quite disrespectful and using it for a couple of days, has made me overwhelmed and anxious and really question myself and my choices, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in casual sex/play but I would definitely like to see a space where there is more to it than sex/play and engage in conversations and communication, and as is the case with apps, there’s always an ethical concern of fraud, blackmail and manipulation which does not contribute to safety and healthier spaces!

28/8

I have been so tired and burnt out nowadays that I feel like I need a break from everything. 

On a plus side, I talked to Eunice Hung, a kink-aware psychotherapist, who also does workshops alongside, as a possible collaboration for an intervention to test out the triangulated space in 13/8, and have gotten many useful points about organising the workshop and designing it and keeping in mind the time constraints of conducting workshops and so on, as well as a conversation about products and accessibility and knowledge, and having a disabled practitioner as well would be helpful.

I guess my main mental state right now is tired, exhausted and burnt out due to all of the various things I have been doing, from the multiple tedious workshops, the creative block and block, the opening up and new knowledge of multiple avenues and the overwhelming aspect of it all.

The U25s organisers were looking another person to help out at the munch in terms of keeping an eye out on people, since the event tends to have a lot of people and 2 organisers are unable to stay on top of things. I volunteered to do this since it gives a better idea of hosting and understanding events and safeguarding in kink spaces, and one of the key things or responsibilities was confrontation with people who’re being indecent or creepy and the U25 is on Friday so I’m looking forward to that experience.

29/8

Today, I caught up with Dana, and got her feedback on my project, and she said that accessibility and inclusivity is a pretty big problem which definitely needs a lot of work, and her perspective as a kinky wellness coach was that people know what they want and desire, but they have a bit fear, which leads to shame which leads to hindrance in communication and this actually made a lot of sense. In terms of POC inclusivity it is that when someone themselves is a POC others tend to gravitate towards their expertise which makes sense. She also pointed out how the interior ambience of a store can either invoke disgust or a sense of calm, and this proved to be a good point since the ambience of a place really reflects on a person’s mood. Particularly think these pointers are helpful in curating an fun, exploratory experience. 

The report has been stressful since I feel like I am briefing my three months of work, but it turned out good and there’s a good amount of technical language and I am just surprised at the bibiliography, cause that’s longer than my actual report and I thought it was funny. I am going to soak in my first experience in monitoring a kink event and space, which I am very excited about, and I was trying to reflect on whether this is something personal to me or professional to me, but I don’t think I am able to separate them now, since they’re very intertwined, as in most auto-ethnographic research and as long as it enhances my research and helps it grow in a good direction I should be mindful of my interactions and their consequences. My EDI survey is already showing a good amount of useful responses. I am also excited for my presentation and going to prepare for it as well.

How can we create kink exploratory spaces using products/gear?

20/7

Today, I did the 2nd workshop, and we talked about communication, everyone could not make it( 1 repeater and 1new), which was interesting to see. 

In the first activity of the crossword puzzle: they were able to guess 13/15 as a pair, as I had screenshared and filled it out. They were unable to guess ‘Hard No’ and ‘Abuse’, which shows a lack of recognition and knowledge about the extreme limits and violations.

In the second activity of charades: various kinks were demonstrated by myself and the participants and it was easily identifiable which shows a little knowledge about non-verbal communication and representing things which they like and know.

In the third activity of mind-mapping based off the mind-map I had developed in the previous entry, it was interesting to see how different conversations came up about beliefs and values in partners and oneself, and also about personal experiences with violation of personal spaces and boundaries in regular life in and out of kink, which also led to conversations around hoping men would communicate more and be more open, and how emotionally supportive and intellectually challenging conversations are required to be able to engage with their partners. A discussion into comparisons of sex-education in each other’s lives also arose which was also interesting to see, and also having male partners to open up and speak more about what they like and dislike and how it could also be due to cultural differences. When it came to their individual roles, one participant mentioned they don’t like labels and that it is restricting and another mentioned their role depends on their partner’s mood and what they wanna do in that moment. 

In terms of boundaries, highly organised planning and protocols in negotiations whilst being safe and knowing what is going to happen is effective, and having scenes with relatively less organised planning can lead to crossing off limits and boundaries, and also communicating on the go about hard and soft limits makes it harder. ‘Would you like to try?’ And respecting the limit when it’s been crossed is also important and not pursuing it because they don’t like it is also important, and as much as curiosity is important, finding the limit and not crossing or manipulating it is also important. Finding the balance between organised and spontaneity is also important

Irrespective of role, aftercare is vital for everyone since it helps with emotional reset and discussing whether someone would repeat it or not is also important! 

In the last activity of role-play: One person identified as submissive, and the other identified as a switch and they switched roles talked about negotiation, safe words, boundaries, aftercare based off their own individual mind-maps but in a different role in order to gain a different perspective. The other added what they would like to add to the existing one and said they would like to talk about in-depth about their limits, non-verbal cues, aftercare, limits in flexibility, feedback, and I also suggested about having things required in-hand to avoid stress and panic, which led to the conversation about sex in a scene, and STD/I as well as protection and other existing partners as well to be aware of the risks they are getting into, which led into the topic of expectations about the scene and what happens later and checking in to see how each other is doing and feeling about the dynamic over time is also important to ensure everyone is on the same page emotionally. I also added I would talk about how they’d interact in social settings and navigate it, and whether it would be social or in a playful context. 

The participants mentioned that they felt this was a particular informative session and they all learned a lot! 

When asked about what they would like to talk about next, one of them mentioned they would like to talk about ‘what to do when things go wrong?’ And I personally wanted to add predatory behaviour in this, and also about support systems and people, as well as one participant during the conversation had mentioned that they experience mood drops with a lack of aftercare, so how to navigate mood drops as a sub and Dom, and developing activities and examples to see and navigate the same!

I would say the only limitation in this session was it was all-female which allowed for transparent communication but it also lacked the other perspective of what men go through or how they feel and I say this because through my research I have also learnt that biological gender does affect our basic skills of communication, and I acknowledge that all relationships/dynamics do not have to male-female or no one has to conform to being a man/woman and are free to identify otherwise. I particularly felt like men could’ve benefitted from hearing the women’s perspective on things and how they communicate, and vice-versa, and help us in understanding how men feel and what they think at the back of their heads while communicating and understanding what they say, hesitate to say or don’t say, or even reason as to why they say what they say or do what they do, and it would have been of mutual benefit! I also regret not recording the session to be able to do thematic analysis as I had hoped, but no point in sulking right now, is there? I am also thinking if I could one with the rest of the people, since the rest are mostly men, and maybe merge the data and observations from the both, to contribute to a better next workshop! I could text them and see if that is possible!?

30/7

After this intervention, I particularly felt exhausted and was unable to work, and during our recent tutorial I was encouraged to push myself further and enhance my role, but to do so I have to define what a safe space is, and this has been a bit of a brain-number, in finding resources in the right places and so on. Recently as I was talking to a friend about my confusions and chaos, they pointed out to me that I’m trying to solve the entire problem at once rather than taking steps to solve it slowly, this quite resonated with me, but I would still like to go ahead and do the workshops and find out my learnings from them!

While going back and reading my entries and from personal experience I find one interesting aspect, which is financial in nature which is that places/events where there is an entry fee feels relatively “safer” as compared to places which are walk-in, and one thing I have noticed is that places I have been to which have an entry fee, have a trained ‘safeguarding’ team who’re present at the events and make sure everything is going smoothly, and there’s also the aspect that the crowd of people who’re willing to pay money to an event are actively exploring and educated about the scene and hence know the “safe” spaces, so is this something which is a matter of money or about having trained professionals working on safeguarding and keeping an eye out, and how does this affect people’s behaviour, and in terms of accessories, toys and other wear the prices are relatively quite high if one is looking for good quality gear and clothes, and this is also a bit of a concern for me, but this definitely feels like something I could incorporate, but is having accessible gear and clothes the way to enable exploration, it could be one way but also having knowledge about responsibly using it is just as important, but at this point I am thinking too much in my head rather than talking to people!

31/7

Looking at kink clubs or various spaces which are developed for different needs, example places which strive to maintain a balance between male,female and non-binary to ensure a safe space for everyone, places which promote couples to explore etc., and so on although they are principally the same, there is a difference in the audience of these spaces which come from their own personal experiences and needs. Here, this got me thinking that one common thing I see at most events, be it a social (paid or unpaid) is that there’s not a lot of people who’re of different ethnic backgrounds, and this could be a point I could explore a bit more! 

I was able to talk to an alumnus and expert stakeholder, who has worked in safe-space making and this has given me useful insight into what my challenges are, and how I can navigate them in the existing scenario, and I would have to really iterate my question in safe-spaces to something a bit more specific and to different groups of people and communities, like for instance, I had noticed that not a lot of POC visit kink clubs, and this could be something to work on and implement, and probably using the existing skill set of leather subculture design to promote a sense of safety and exploration, and so on and definitely mind mapping these various possibilities could open up new ideas and avenues for reiteration and exploration!

2/8

After this conversation with an expert, I was feeling a bit more confident and decided to map out all my thoughts to have a better direction, and envisioned some key aspects to consider, which is using products/gear as an exploration tool, and so the various issues, I could find from my experience were the price range, accessibility, lack of wider inclusion, customisability, and also the fact that even if one owns fetish wear like harnesses, they can not wear them openly in public without facing challenging comments, but I would like to do this to observe the general reaction of people, even though it is out of my comfort zone, but it’d help to get reactions of people!

 Based off this mind-map I could say there’s a lot of scope in exploring how gear and clothes can be used as tool for creating exploratory spaces, and this would mean re-iterating the question to be more specific and for this I used the QFT (Question Formation Technique) to reform and rephrase my question! 

In other steps, I am also hoping to contact mfg. units in the UK to understand any problems in accessibility and other problems, and on the side communicate with consumers and stakeholders to see whether they’d like to have more accessible gear, and what is the problem and the gap between manufacturer and consumer, and how can I combine this with the workshops to create better spaces!

7/8

Today, I was hoping to wear a harness in public without covering up, to observe the reactions of people, but based off the political situation in the UK, due to the far-right riots, it does not seem like a good idea, to do this especially as a female immigrant traveling across London alone, the political scenario did not give me much confidence, and so I did not go to the social, and decided to stay safe and be home, but the organisers were aware to send mails about the riots happening in East London and forward the tickets to the next social if one feels unsafe attending it, which shows compassion towards the attendees and offering a solution to those who aren’t attending it!

In other measures I have been trying to reach out to manufacturing units in the UK to understand kink-diversity and inclusion as well as pricing and sustainability policies, and in the meantime I am also going to start and define ‘exploratory spaces’ and how using garments and gear can further exploration, I was focused on the ‘safe-space’ part of my question, whereas now I am going to focus on the ‘exploration’ part of the question, which has helped me change my question from  safe-space making to creating a space for exploration.

13/8.

I have been reading a book called, ‘Design and Social Imagination’ by Matthew DelSesto where I read about how to create social interventions and change one must be aware of the realities of the world and it’s ecology to the world and so on, right now in particular I have read about Patrick Geddes’s work in transforming spaces, especially in Edinburgh and his design of the Outlook Tower and philosophies which have gone into it, and I think some parts of it can be taken into consideration for developing exploratory spaces in cultural niches, particularly his methods about educating and informing while also providing a space to mingle and experiment and record cultural developments is important, and I think the part about recording our history and it’s developments is important because the kink community as we know has undergone a lot of change and though it is becoming more mainstream, a lot of it is still underground, and one may not be record cultural developments if the venue changes for every event how does one record these cultural nuances, which might not be caught on camera? I think this would be a good time to visit Bishopsgate to learn about how people archived in the realm of kink and fetish!
In other terms, I reached to someone who is interested in something I haven’t seen much products for so I asked them if they’d be interested in talking about it to be able to assess kink-diversity in spaces and products and assess what direction I could go in, and structure my method accordingly, but I should be focusing on contextualising the concept of exploratory spaces and how my interventions informed these. 

I have also noticed that club membership vetting process is different for men and women and I wonder why that is, and that is something to explore and reconnect with to look at various differences!

I also feel particularly guilty about not being able to complete my series of workshops, but I should work on that and finish the last one, and complete the series, I am sure there is something I could learn from the same and closure is important for everyone, so I should finish this before I go back to school and then focus on the bigger workshop and see how all of it comes together!

‘How can we create safe spaces to enable exploration in kink?’

Well, I think this one week, I got a bit done in terms of secondary reading and figuring out things for non-verbal communication research and the workshop for communication.

Mapping out the stages of the workshops in co-relation to activities as well as the design process helped me find the gaps to fill in as well as necessary themes to translate into activities or evidence different activities.

I had asked a friend who is a psychology major, to give me some input on where to start, and she had asked me what I was supposed to do to and I told her I needed to do some activities to improve communication skills, verbal and non-verbal and she had suggested activities from her experience, which were good starting off-points, but I wasn’t entirely confident that it aligned with my goal of the activities being self-led and creative! 

My search ranged from “communication in kink”, “communication in sexuality”,”understanding body language” “non verbal communication in kink”, “non-verbal communication in sexuality”, “body language in sexuality”, but most of them related to observational articles in the kink community or from ranged to body language in kids and babies which drew parallels, but I was pretty intrigued when I came across ‘LeBlanc, C., 2020. Being Kinky: Intimacy, ethics, and the self (Doctoral dissertation, Université d’Ottawa/University of Ottawa).’ This article had a deep comprehensive qualitative analysis based off interviews with a few subjects, and covered so many aspects of communication and sub-topics which go unnoticed, especially in maintaining long-term relationships, which made me look at relationships as a world to be developed rather than an entity in itself, since there are so many nuances that go into a relationship which go unnoticed, and so here I came up with the exercise of ‘Mind-mapping different aspects of a relationship’, which may or may not be suitable for this particular workshop, but in the next stages of the design process of prototyping it might be useful.

In this I also came across the Becker’s Career Model Becker, H.S., 1953. Becoming a marihuana user. American journal of Sociology, 59(3), pp.235-242. , which talks about the stages of adaptation, even though the article was about marijuana consumption, from the underlying philosophy we can draw a parallel on ‘adjusting/settling/getting in’ to a kink community. 

Communication also happens in many modes and this multimodality is effective in helping one familiarise themselves with various people, such as some people are highly comfortable with face-to-face interactions, whereas some are comfortable with technology-mediated communication, but using one mode is ineffective, the ability to transfer to different modes is important as highlighted in Rubinsky, V., 2018. “Sometimes it’s easier to type things than to say them”: Technology in BDSM sexual partner communication. Sexuality & culture, 22(4), pp.1412-1431. the ability to transfer from different mediums is required in order to move to different stages in a relationship!

I also noticed some difficulties in engaging the participants over the course of 1-2 months, and was wondering how the process would work if I were to do it in a single workshop, either physical or virtual, since the comparison would show a difference in levels of trust built, openness and community building and engagement and especially diversity, and participation rate. 

This might be a little bit harder to process, but it’d be an interesting compare and contrast to see.

Key points which the participants had expressed interest in engaging in are:

1. Safe words
2. Boundaries
3. Aftercare
4. Body language
5. Cues and suggestions. 
6. Facial expressions

While 1-3 are verbal as shown in the map above, 4-6, are non-verbal and are harder to navigate or design self-led exercises, but I do love a challenge so I tried to put in my best, and I looked into various articles and found that most body language differences comes to quite literally biological and cultural differences, as well as individual experiences so it is subjective and personal, where the Becker’s Career Model comes into the picture, the process of familiarisation helps partners understand and familiarise each other with verbal and non-verbal languages and boundaries.

I also read into how to effectively organise workshops, since some of the feedback was also to improve the efficiency of the workshops, and I came across various commonly used activities and how it facilitates and engages different parts of the brain etc., and one was a crossword puzzle and this could be a self-led activity where the participants have to fill in different puzzles and in this process gain knowledge and communicate with each other, and building knowledge is crucial in exploring and understanding one self better.

Co-scripting/negotiation is a key aspect of engaging in kink/bdsm, and this led me to an activity of quite literally scripting and enacting a scene with the said map in mind, keeping in mind all the things which were learnt as a final activity to demonstrate implementation in real-life. 

Having gone through various possible discourses, I particularly feel confident enough in carrying out the workshop this weekend, and learning new things!

Reading list:

Hughes, S.D. and Hammack, P.L., 2022. Narratives of the origins of kinky sexual desire held by users of a kink-oriented social networking website. The Journal of Sex Research, 59(3), pp.360-371.

Rubinsky, V., 2018. “Sometimes it’s easier to type things than to say them”: Technology in BDSM sexual partner communication. Sexuality & culture, 22(4), pp.1412-1431.

Sanchez, A.L., 2021. Consent, Identity, and Communicative Competence among BDSM Practitioners (Master’s thesis, San Diego State University).

Summers, N., 2021. There has to be a better way: Kink-ifying campus culture to overcome communication challenges. In Kink and everyday life (pp. 45-63). Emerald Publishing Limited.

Rubinsky, V. and Roldán, M., 2021. Disrupting sexual communication. Communicating intimate Health, 119.

Rubinsky, V., 2020. A communicative interdependence perspective of sexual communication and technology in bondage, domination, and sadomasochist relationships. Communication Quarterly, 68(4), pp.375-396.

Cutler, B., Lee, E.M., Cutler, N. and Sagarin, B.J., 2020. Partner selection, power dynamics, and mutual care giving in long-term self-defined BDSM couples. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 6(2), pp.86-114.

LeBlanc, C., 2020. Being Kinky: Intimacy, ethics, and the self (Doctoral dissertation, Université d’Ottawa/University of Ottawa).

Erickson, J.M., Slayton, A.M., Petersen, J.G., Hyams, H.M., Howard, L.J., Sharp, S. and Sagarin, B.J., 2022. Challenge at the intersection of race and kink: Racial discrimination, fetishization, and inclusivity within the BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) community. Archives of sexual behavior, pp.1-12.

Becker, H.S., 1953. Becoming a marihuana user. American journal of Sociology, 59(3), pp.235-242.

Babin, E. A. (2013). An examination of predictors of nonverbal and verbal communication of pleasure during sex and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 270-292. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512454523

Ebesu Hubbard, A.S., 2022. Misunderstood non-verbal cues in close relationships: Contributions of research over opinions. In Nonverbal Communication in Close Relationships: What words don’t tell us (pp. 165-186). Cham: Springer International Publishing.

Grammer, K., Kruck, K., Juette, A. and Fink, B., 2000. Non-verbal behavior as courtship signals: The role of control and choice in selecting partners. Evolution and Human Behavior, 21(6), pp.371-390.s

‘How can we create a safe space to enable healthy exploration?’

 9/6

For the Dragon’s Den, I developed a flow chart to convey my process methodology and what I am doing with my project, and what I realised is that I am essentially trying to induce a sense of exploration in a safe manner 

My virtual chat with Dana, gave me some ideas on the same, in terms of what she uses in her practice and how I could incorporate some of those in my workshops, and maybe collaborate with her in developing a few workshops, and incorporate some elements. 

In addition, to this I have been various research into “overcoming shame” and how people have used different methods and mediums, until now, I have read mediums of photography, dance and movement, and also drama and some interesting methodologies which were used and how people have reacted to it. 

20/6

Today, I went to a social event by a kink club, which I felt is a sort of safe space for people to explore and play, although this one did not have a play room, it gave a sort of insight into how people when they get comfortable really behave, most of the walls had a poster which said ‘DO NOT TOUCH OTHERS UNLESS YOU HAVE EXPLICIT PERMISSION. JUST DO NOT.’ Which I thought is quite nice and reassuring, and there were also trained bouncers other than the venue bouncers keeping an eye out for people misbehaving which is always good and reflective of standards. Talking to a few club members, who have mentioned that they feel safe walking around completely naked at the main events was quite nice to hear. Most people seemed to have a lot of experience in the space, since everyone was respectful of personal boundaries and didn’t also pry too deep into questioning about one’s kink history, which I think depicts the culture of the place in general, rather than a person being uncomfortable. I think this social was more personal to me than for my project or work-related, somehow I felt like I fit in.

Last night I was talking to a person on fetlife, and talking about our work, and I mentioned about my project, they sort of gave some useful insights about where to find stakeholders and what I’m doing right or wrong:

“Yeah and if you ask people who are already at munchies it means they already to some degree and a quote on quote safespace as they are at munchies it’s import to ask the people that dont feel comfortable, and find out why and what things can help them to explore more too”

“I think going to munchies is usually something that happens later on In kink discovery unless you are a massive extrovert or you have pre established connections”

So, I think this gives me a new perspective on where I might find people who’re in need of such spaces, and I might have to look a little deeper into that and I am trying to reflect on my own journey of discovery, and see if I can find some places where people might need it and want to consider, or maybe do a post and have people respond to it and analyse some common patterns.

Personal reflection on my journey:

As an adolescent, I knew that I liked bondage and being versatile, but had zero clue about bdsm or kink, but I knew I definitely liked it in porn, as a fantasy etc., when I got older and watched more porn, I realised it came under the category of bdsm, and then when I looked it up on the internet, I did not really like what I saw and dismissed it and thought that what I was feeling was weird and abnormal, but later on I watched fifty shades of grey and it re-triggered certain feelings in me and I was older now to certainly understand and do some better research about what I was interested in, and while reading erotica or dark romance novels it also helped me see different things to explore or do, at this point I was pretty active with partners but online, and in real life with a few, but they did not want to do anything “rough” and most of the relationships faded or turned into friendships due to the trust and communication built over the process, and later when I was more equipped to understand different terms better, and also meeting people online and gaining knowledge from them, whilst also being explorative with my partner, who was open to exploring, I had learnt a lot about different kinks, and also different roles, and how to negotiate play and scenes as well as how to incorporate it into different relationship dynamics, and it was a big learning curve for me personally. In my undergrad as a leather goods design student, I was given a project to choose a particular sector and develop a product line and seasonal collection as a part of my final submission, and no two students can have the same sector, and this is where my interest in kink/fetish fashion began professionally, and through the same research my knowledge about kink/bdsm has increased, as a person and it’s applications as a designer and enjoying the process as an artist.Here I learnt the somewhat technical terms, and the psychology and emotions behind each of the kinks or fetishes I incorporated in my work which was fuelled by both personal experience as well as research, and with this as well as personal interaction with various people and partners enhanced my skills of non-verbal communication and understanding dynamics and pre-scene communication and negotiation. 

This journey of mine, captures the ups and downs which motivated me to do this project, and it also something which resonates with a lot of people who maybe similar to me, and here I see a pattern where my knowledge started to build as I met more people.

In addition to this, I have sent out mails to kickstart my series of 4 workshops as interventions, I have a small group of 4 people, which was not my initial aim of 10, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully this group expands over time.

The following text was sent to inform and also receive consent on various things which have not been mentioned in the sign-up sheet:

“Thanks for participating in my project, and today we’ll finally be kickstarting the series of workshops. I hope you’re as stoked as I am haha. 

A little brief about what we’ll be doing:

• A series of 4 workshops in the next 3 months (one in every 2 weeks, all online) for 60-90 mins each approximately (can’t promise how long it might take)
• Each workshop aims to use different methods to navigate doubt/shame/internal conflict and reach the exploratory stage.
• Constructive feedback from you, the audience is required and highly appreciated, as this feedback after every workshop helps me design the next one better.
• I would encourage you to use the tools from the workshop in your everyday lives, and share how you’ve used them, and whether they were helpful or not.
• 3-5 days before the next workshop, I will send out a mail about the workshop and timings for the same, and a suggested list of tools I’d like you to keep at hand (mostly basic stationery and some sheets or notebook)

Workshops might be recorded for research purposes, and will not be presented anywhere but are purely to analyse and evaluate. Recordings will be deleted 1 year post-completion (kindly inform me, if you’re uncomfortable doing so.)

Also, please suggest a date between 27/6-29/6 and a time frame that works for you. 

(Please note: the time and date which works for the majority will be considered)

Please revert back any questions you might have.

I am looking forward to working with you.’’

24/6

Last week, when I was talking to a friend, he had mentioned that he also wanted to go to some socials/munches and I was like maybe a club might be too overwhelming if you have no proper knowledge of kink and fetishes, and I asked him if he wanted to be a part of my project, so as to get a little comfortable, and he decided to particpate, and personally I’m a little excited that I’ve reached my minimum goal of 5 participants, small wins as they come. 

Post-this conversation, I have started to analyse some of the techniques in the papers related to ‘overcoming shame’ and I noticed that a lot of the methodologies related talking and hearing perspectives, as well as art and poetry and performance which when one reflects upon brings out a lot of subconscious emotions, and in a group setting we’re willing to talk about it and unlock different themes and patterns and where these insecurities/anxiety/self-doubt might be coming from and so on, and to relate this to the design process, was a little challenging and made me absolutely bonkers but I knew there was a certain relationship to it and I started writing everything down, and I was able to design the first workshop.

I might want to go two different ways, with trying to see what an expert would think about it, or how I would feel doing it myself, but as previously mentioned by a stakeholder, I am not someone who’s in the self-doubt stage of being sexually explorative, but in some aspects I might be, which is not a bad way to test, but maybe not the most effective, but I might do both anyway. 

Today, as I was walking around SOHO, I found this little space called ‘Self space’ which is an organisation where they do walk-in therapy sessions which is kinda helpful, and I had a little chat with their receptionist and it was interesting to look at their website, and see their work, and I am hoping to get in touch with them soon and talk.

26/6

With the response of my focus group, I am starting to feel a little nervous and excited about the workshops. Yesterday, one of my participants who also happens to be a close friend told me they were attending the pride parade in their city and hence don’t know if they could make it, and also asked me why I was doing the workshops in groups, and I was a little confused and couldn’t answer because right now I am testing out that groups build a community feeling and contribute to lower self-doubt due to the reason that, ‘we feel seen and heard’, and this also why I have approached a participatory methodology, to establish a sense of agency and understanding. 

This caught me a little off-guard, but I think being able to answer questions to my stakeholders’ is important to make them feel seen and heard. 

A friend of mine told me about a social next week which is a workshop by a sex educator and someone I follow and know, and this seems like a good opportunity to see real-life workshops by experts and talk to them and be able to compare and contrast.